randomsnarfle: (losing it)
So anyway... I have been neglecting LJ.

There's no one online... and it's not even midnight yet. I just finished watching, perhaps, the saddest anime I've watched since AIR. And so, I'm going to rant out some angst I've been mulling over the past few days.

Don't read this if you're just going to bitch about how all your friends have 'angst' because I don't want to hear it. So if you're in a good mood, just close the window/tab/tatertot right now. :D In fact, I'd probably prefer it.
















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So far, Spring Break sucks. I just got my rubber bands put on from my orthodontist, so I can barely open my mouth. My teeth are practically numb from being forced around, so chewing isn't exactly a picnic. It's not as bad as before... but for awhile, I could barely breath with them on; because of a cold, my nose has been stuffed up and congested.

The cold is another thing that's been bothering me. My throat picks random times to be sore. My head always feels like it's going to explode. But I'm not really sick! I'm not tired... if anything, it's just allergies from hell. Besides, I can't even open my mouth. How could I possibly infect anyone?

So if that's true, why have people been avoiding me like the plague? I'm not exaggeratting when I say no one is online... I mean my buddy list of 31 people is empty. I know it's a Tuesday... but still! SOME ONE should be able to be online.

And it's not just online! I keep sending texts to people... and I never get a reply back! I know part of it is my own stubbornness... I could just call them, but I hate talking on the phone almost as much as I hate being alone.

One person in specific whom I think is avoid me is M (Just initial kthxbai). She has no excuse for not being by her phone... she can't even walk without crutches for cryin' out loud! We haven't been talking much... now that she goes to college for school, I don't see her at all. I was so stressed these past few weeks, I never even got a chance to call anyone.

Which brings on the thing that's been bugging me the most. I don't have a best friend. Sure, I have a lot of close friends... and I have a lot of good friends... but I have no one who I can be totally truthful to. I have no one who I can just call and talk to when I have a problem. I've always let other people put their problems on my shoulders, and I'm usually always able to help them out. But at the end of the day, there's no one for me! It's getting to a point where I feel I can't even make it through the day without wanting to just give up, go home, and sleep the week off. But no. Not even sleep helps. I think I'm most stressed when I sleep; I constantly think about the things that'll await me when I wake up.

I have a friend who I can gossip to and talk about my love life with... but if they knew everything about my love life, they'd disown me as a friend and never look at me the same again. Even if they still promised to be my friend, I know things would never be the same... we wouldn't talk about the same things. I wouldn't get invited over unless someone else was there to keep them comfortable. I don't want to lose what little closeness we have, because in reality, M was the closest thing I ever had to a best friend.

I have many friends I can be myself around... but only on specific occassions. I never see them outside of school functions. Even then... I can only be myself, in the sense that I'm hyper and silly. I can never seriously talk with them about anything, because they aren't the kind of people who want to deal with others' problems. I'd only be a burden on top of the burdens they already carry. Hell, just by typing this, I'm probably being a burden to them right now.

And almost everyone else falls into the "just friends" category. As long as we're all having fun, we're like sisters. But the second I get serious, they can't believe that this side of me exists. They think I'm kidding, or they change the subject away from me. All through middle school, I had this complex that if I tried to be anything but silly around my friends, they'd reject me. It wasn't like I tried to be a clown and get attention... I just never let anyone know when I wasn't happy. I'd hide it away. All this probably originated from my elementary school experienec: if I wasn't hyper and happy, something was wrong with me. I just wanteed time to be by myself and cry. That would be all I'd want to do: and everyone would go call the recess teachers, as if I had just been a rape victim or something! I'd just want to be alone, and they'd blow it out of proportions. So to avoid conflict... I kept it inside.

I suppose I have other kinds of friends... those who juts don't know me very... those who know me, but don't want to, so they try their hardest to avoid me and plan secret get-togethers with everyone else... and exclude me (specifically I speak of T and C). And then the special cases. I have no idea what goes on in their heads... we've been friends for years, but I just can't feel close to them. Some, I'm closer to their family than I am to them... and I often think that it bothers them, because they think I'd rather talk to their parents than hang out with them...

I can't even feel that close to my family. Danny is sweet, but he's just a little brother. he doesn't know what goes on in my life, and its better that way. Michelle is a disaster. She makes my life hell, whether she's at school or at home. But I still love her, because she's my sister, and she does have her moments. But she's constantly belittling me. She'll insult our Dad right in front of me; I know she's mad at him for who he was, but he's changed now, and she just can't appreciate that, I know... but that doesn't give her the right to try and impress her feelings in me. I hold no grudge against my dad for what he is. It's not his fault; you can't control an addiction. And yet... he has! He's changed! And yet she still can't see it... Despite his change, however, a part of me still keeps him at a distance. But there's no reason for it... he's my dad. He's a guy. I'm just not open to guys. But then a part of it is probably because I think that, if he were to know more about me, he wouldn't see me as his little girl anymore. Then there's my mom... whom I feel closer to more than anyone. But I think she gets mad when I try to talk to her too much... to me, when I talk to her, it's like I never stop; like I try and make up for all the conversations where I remained silent, for all the conversations I never got to have... right now, she's the only person I ever talk to. Even though our conversations are usually never more than idle chitchat about who's going to get voted off on American Idol, or whose the hottest guy in the most recent anime we've watched, they mean a lot to me.

Right now I'm debating if I should even post this... I don't think I've ever gotten so emotional while just writing about myself. If you're reading this, you'll know what I chose to do, I guess...

I may as well finish. No one is probably going to read this, since I put the angst warning up there, and as I said, no one wants to hear about this. If you fell in the first category of friends, you don't know this exists. Second category... I really hope you just closed your browser before you read too much. Third category... you wouldn't care, right? You'll just blow it off as "angst" and then find a way to shift attention back to yourself.

Some things never change, right?

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Sarah

December 2016

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